He was smart. Respected. Talented. He knew his stuff and had climbed the ranks all the way to the C-suite.
He was also on the verge of getting fired.
We’ll call him Bob. Bob had a reputation. He pushed hard. Held his team to high standards. But when things didn’t go the way he expected, he lost it and berated his team. Publicly. Loudly. And unfortunately for him, it was one time too many.
Micromanaging? Check.
Snapping in meetings? Yep.
Talking down to people when they didn’t meet his expectations? All day long.
Eventually, someone on his team filed a complaint. HR got involved. Legal got involved. And Bob was given a choice: Shape up, or ship out.
That’s when he showed up in my world. In my coaching work, I’ve seen many executives arrive at this exact inflection point — faced with the prospect of losing their dream job, their livelihood, yet unsure how to change.
Some, unwilling to change and accept the coaching as an olive branch, instead dig in their heels. Luckily, Bob was not one of those executives and he embraced our partnership.
The ugly side of being “high performing”
Bob didn’t think he necessarily did anything wrong. Comparatively, the CEO did things significantly more egregiously than he did. In Bob’s estimation, it was just bad luck that this one employee reported him.
But under all that dismissiveness was something else: Fear. Insecurity. Cracks in the foundation.
This was his dream job, and he was allowing it to slip through his fingers. For the first time in a long time, Bob was the one getting called out.
He didn’t completely get it at first. He kept saying things like, “I’m just direct.” Or, “I expect a lot from my team.” I let him talk. And then I held up the mirror.
As a coach, I’ve seen how defensiveness often hides insecurity. With Bob, it came out as reactivity — when he was triggered, he often went on the attack and blamed others for the situation they were in. With others, it’s withdrawal or silence.
Bob’s directness wasn’t the issue. It was his lack of self-control, emotional intelligence and situational awareness. It was how he acted and behaved in that reactive state, which was rude and disrespectful. Bob wasn’t leading. He was steamrolling.
The ultimate shift came one day when he paused mid-sentence, eyes drawn, head down and said, “I almost blew my dream job.” He wasn’t angry when he said it. He was quiet and introspective. I could feel the energy shift through my computer screen.
That was the turning point. Bob saw the error in his ways and was even more determined to evolve.
Nobody teaches you how to handle power
A lot of people are put into leadership roles because they’re good at what they do. Not because they’re emotionally grounded. Not because they know how to effectively lead people. And most definitely not because they know how to handle their own reactivity under pressure.
This isn’t just a Bob problem. Research consistently shows managers are often thrown into leadership with little to no preparation.
No matter how you slice and dice it, the data isn’t pretty:
A UK survey found that 39% of employees don’t believe their manager has the training or skills to do the job effectively.
Another study revealed that 59% of managers overseeing one to two employees — and 41% of those with three to five direct reports — have never had any training at all.
And perhaps most striking, 82% of leaders admit they are “accidental” managers, which means they have had no form of formal leadership or management training.
Bob’s story isn’t the exception — it’s the rule.
The higher up you rise in an organization, the less honest the feedback you get. I hear it all the time: “Why won’t anyone give me direct feedback?” That is, until you push someone too far and they get really honest — with HR, senior leadership and legal.
You don’t need to change who you are. You need more range.
Over the years, I’ve seen that leaders don’t need a new personality or to change the essence of who they are. Rather, they need new tools, tips and tricks. They need more range.
Bob’s shift echoes dozens of leaders I’ve worked with who found their additional range through intentional practice. He learned how to pause instead of pounce. How to coach instead of command. He still had high standards, but he wasn’t weaponizing them anymore.
Daniel Goleman, considered the father and pioneer of emotional intelligence, said, “I have found, however, that the most effective leaders are alike in one crucial way: They all have a high degree of what has come to be known as emotional intelligence.”
Just like Bob learned, emotional intelligence isn’t about getting touchy-feely with emotions. Rather, it’s about having a greater handle on self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.
In my words, it’s about knowing your triggers and auto-responses and how to mitigate them. For some, it’s about that exhale between input and reaction. For others, it’s about fidgeting with a stress ball, chain link, coin or anything else that provides kinesthetic sensations. And yet for others, it’s about having a “talk track” that buys them time to regather their thoughts.
Are you aware of what you do between being triggered and reacting?
What are your auto-responses when triggered?
Do you even know what triggers you?
If not, you have some work to do!
What CIOs and executives can learn from emotional intelligence
In every company I’ve partnered with, pressure is constant. Nonetheless, leaders are expected to deliver results, build culture, retain talent and stay calm under fire. However, most are never trained on how to actually do that.
If you’re in a leadership role and you’ve ever thought:
Why don’t people just do what I ask?
How many times have I told them?
Why does their work consistently fail to meet expectations?
You’re not alone. And you’re not broken. But you might be missing something important.
Leadership requires finesse and pizzazz. People experience you through your leadership style. How you read the room and adjust to your audience is an aspect of leadership. Leadership is also knowing when to motivate with the carrot or the stick. Every day. Especially when you’re under stress.
Don’t wait until it’s too late to change
Bob almost blew his dream job. And it forced him to change. At first, he was looking for a check-the-box approach to appease the powers that be. In time, he realized his evolution positively impacted his team, his leadership, and even his marriage and being a parent. Most of all, Bob realized he improved his mental prowess and executive presence — both at the office and at home.
The question is, will you wait for a catastrophic event before you’re willing to change?
Or will you take the hint before it gets that far?
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